Random Crack!
by nejisoifon-lover91
Summary: Ok so this was writen during a computer class, between a friend and I. If you couldnt tell we where really hyper. Random pairings. Head Exploding Warning!


Ok so this is a random crack fic. writen between me and one of my friends in a computer class. If your head dosnt explode while reading this...then your my type of person. ;3

Now i dont own Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Twilight, any of the songs sung in this and...many other things that make me cry when i think of them.

Flames are welcome and reviews are nice.

Hope you enjoy! Now on to the CRACK!!!!

* * *

*scene opens to Hermione and Draco cuddling in bed – in the middle of Wonderland. Draco is sucking on a milk bottle and gurgling when Hermione suddenly jerks his shoulders*

"I'm pregnant."

"WHAT!?"

"It's not yours."

"WHAT!?"

"It's veronicas!"

"HOW is that even POSSIBLE!?"

"She used to be called harry…"

"…Harry…Potter?"

*silence*

"Straightened his hair, got rid of the glasses…got plastic surgery for the scar, kept the one thing that made me love him ."

"His mind?"

"…sure."

"Wait…so you cheated on me with…a girl who used to be a guy?"

"Yup…"

"WHAT was the point of him changing into a girl in the first place then?"

"Hey – his life. After you kill the darkest wizard of all time, you need a hobby to keep you going."

"…a _hobby_?"

"Yeah. Like stripping on poles…getting all up in other *cough* girl's grills. Everyone thought that Veronica was a stripper. She's just a REALLY smart dude."  
"You mean he?"

"Whatever. Anyway – the Eggo is preggo."

"…are you leaving me?"

"Nah, you're paying child support bitch."

"BUT IT'S NOT MINE!"

"…how do you know?"

"WHAT!? You just said…"

"Gotcha!"

"So…it was just a really sick joke?"

"Yeah…sure…that's right…just a really sick joke…oh – HEY Veronica."

"Hey babe, what's shakin?"

"Your bun…in my oven."

"Damn."

"WAIT – YOU JUST SAID THAT IT WASN'T HIS! I MEAN HERS…I MEAN…IT!" *pause* "Wait…Veronica…I slept with you…wait – SO THAT PAIN IN MY ASS THE NEXT MORNING WASN'T MUSCLE ACHE FROM MOVING SO MUCH!?"

"…Maybe. Aww Draco, you never minded in school." *wink*

*twitch* "Potter…"

*evil laugh* "Malfoy"

*loud POP as she pops up between the two* "EEEERMIONE…"

*Dumbledore comes running through butt naked* "IT'S NAKED TIME!"

*all three of them* "Scarred. For. Life."

"Hey guys, where's Ron?"

*silence*

*Malfoy glares down at his shoes hatefully* "He's a multimillion business man with seven wives, two husbands and fourteen lovers."

*Hermione blinkes* "So he's a pimp?"

*Harry dances* "YUP! I'd know."

*Bilbo Baggins comes skipping out, holding hands with his Nephew and singing Queen's 'We Are the Champions'* "Hey boys"

*Hermione blinks* "I'm a girl…"

*Frodo smirks* "yeah, keep telling yourself that."

*Gandalf and Albus come running by screaming* "I'VE GOT A LOVELY BUNCH OF COCANUTS! THERE THEY ARE STANDING IN A ROW! BIG ONES – oh HELL YEAH BIG ONES – SMALL ONES *cough* Harry *continue singing* SOME AS BIG AS YER 'EAD! *Gandalf Coughs* Albus

*Albus* Why thank you Gandalf *they run out*

*Bilbo, Frodo and Veronica exchange glances* "Oh why the hell not?" *they all strip off their clothes, lock arms, and run off singing* "WHY CAN'T WE BE FRIENDS – WHY CAN'T WE BE FRIENDS, WHY CAN'T WE BE FRIENDS" *they run out*

*Draco, who is by now twitching uncontrollably falls into an Epileptic Seizure and mouthing the words: so…white…so…white…so…white*

*Hermione sighs* "And then there was one…"

*Edward Cullen walks by* "Hey there, you're a nerdy girl who probably doesn't get much action. You wanna write a book about a sexy vampire GIRL who sparkles and is all around perfect that I close my eyes and picture while I'm doing that skank, Bella?"

*Hermione blinks* "You know…even if I made a sexy vampire girl she'd probably rather turn Lesbo then be with you…"

*Edward gasps dramatically*

"Oh GOD – you're as terrible as Robert Patterson portrays you. Why don't you put on these robes and die for no apparent reasons so that people can make thousands of gay jokes about you and ugly jokes about Cho Chang?" *Hermione holds out Cedric Diggory's Robes*

*Edward Pauses* "Will I have to be with a girl who lacks any personality?"

"Nah, just Cho Cha – actually…she KINDA lacks personality, but that's cause she's a side character."

"WAIT – SIDE CHARACTER!?"

"Don't worry – the ENTIRE fourth book will be about you!"

*silence*

"You promise? Pinky and EVERYTHING?"  
"Yes I promise. Now put these on and strike a pose so that you can continue playing a perfect guy with a perfect personality who is all around perfect – but who has epic powers that could result in the destruction capabilities of…a kitty cat."

"I'M allergic to cats…"

"THAT is what will make your powers so incredible."

"Huh…do you and I get to…?"

"Err…yeah sure…now go!"

*Edw-no Ced-well…ROBERT runs off into a dense crowd where a giant maze has been put up, and Hermione laughs maniacally.* "Mwahahaha…sucker."

*Harry, Bella and Cho Chang come SPEEDING in screaming* "NOOO! MY LUVA!" *blink* "YOUR lover!?" *they then begin ripping each other limb from limb, and Hermione sits back in Ron's lap, chewing happily on popcorn*

"Hey look!" Says Ron. "It's a Mary Sue/ Personality-less character fight!"

The two of them laugh…and proceed to make out until sunrise…

Ron suddenly sat up sharply in bed, his face pale and sweaty as he stared down at his feet. "WHAT THE HELL!?" He shuddered madly. "Harry mate – what'd I eat last night?"

Harry poked his head out from underneath the covers, an insane grin on his face. "Me you dork!"

*END*


End file.
